time waits for no man...

its 2am now... and i am back in hall after dinner with mummy...
went for takraw...
haven been properly home for 2 weeks...

on the way down for dinner, in the lift... i took a very long look at mummy....
its been a long time since i look at mum this way... she looked frailed and tired. She's on MC today, cause of headache and leg pain... she looked kinda pale really... i hate to see her like that... she always overworks and doesnt like to listen to me. she always puts me and bro in the first place and puts herself and her health on the line... sacrificing her everything for us.... but darn that stupid brother who is still so immature at the age of 20. can he bloody hell wake up his idea? wats worse is that he picked up smoking. TMD!! @#%$@#$@!#@!!!

My heart aches... the wrinkles and the wariness on mummy's face looked more evident than before. She is close to 50 already... and i am at 23... yet i am unable to give her a good life... i feel damn useless... I am a little confused now... i wanna work harder to make more money... but yet, i dun wanna neglect my studies, cos that is one way of making her happy, afterall she is slogging so hard to put me into uni... totally confused now... but i am not at a loss of what i am suppose to do... i will work very hard to earn.. and try my best to get good grades. I wanna give mummy a good life to enjoy... Its been hard on her all these years, i can see that she is tired... but she has a very strong will, to dote on us and provide the best she can for us... thats keeping her going on... i know i mustn't disappoint her... i really mustn't...

Coming from a broken family isn't easy, on the surface, everyone thot that i have a nice family... but nobody really knows whats going on inside... Dad has mellowed down compared to yester-years... become much more thoughtful and caring... he is getting on in years too... sighhh... i really cant imagine life without either of them. though, i am not as close to dad, but its just something that holds us together. I can see him trying too... but at times, i really wonder what is going on in his head... I wish i have the power of God. The power to rectify everything and every wrong i see and make life better for my parents and whoever that needs it... I will make it a point to go home every weekend, i know mummy miss me... dad too... even though they didnt mention anything at all...

I got a new sam sung today... yet to fiddle with it... i will soon.. tmr when day breaks. I miss Xiao Ben Ben today... keep thinking about her... I wonder why...
Me and Jerraine been talking a lot these days, we are like getting back to old days when we first became friends... i appreciate that babe... thanks for being there for me... and listening to me...

Lots been going thru my head... i am very much confused with one issue to another... no headway... totally clueless... I wish i can find a perfect answer...