turmoil

Maybe, i'm reading the signals wrong…. maybe she is not that into me…

i just watched the movie He's not that into you… its all about the love and relationships that people gone through and are put up for, somehow i think i see a few similarities in myself with some of the characters in there.
The part where you yearn for that someone you like to be equally into you, hope that she calls, hope that she is thinking about you, hope that she is dying to hear from you and see you soon. Somehow I ended myself up in this stage again. I dunno how, i dunno why… it was just one date, she asked me out randomly i supposed? maybe its just a friend friend thing and nothing more. go taste some milkshake, dinner, talked a little about life, our present status, taking little walks… Maybe my love language is spending time together. I was supposed to meet thams and esther after that to sort of make up for missing her birthday and she had to go home early cos she got london flight early next day.

we talked about meeting up after her london to go shooting photos, cos we got similar interest. I dunno why we din chat much after that flight, maybe cos she was attached? maybe she din attract me back then, all that happened was just some random post on Facebook and that was about it. until she took the initiative to ask me out and i obliged. she gave me a long hug on parting and asked me not to drink too much. not exactly very long but its a nice hug, slightly longer than a friendly friendship hug, something which i wasn't expecting and it was certainly out of the blue…. what was it suppose to mean? she did msg me that she was home after that. almost went for a movie date cos she couldn't meet me as she had ferns visiting, she tried to make time to watch a movie with me before that but tt failed cos no nice movies at then...

i didn't think too much after that as i was contemplating, should i go further and find out more. i find myself looking forward to her return, looking forward to spending time with her. i asked if she wanna come on to my flight, we can hang out and go out together. She did tried, after all many a times people just say they will try but they dun actually do it. But she did try, just that people didn't wanna change with her, i know cos i asked my colleagues on that flight. Was that a sign? i dunno… but after that i did miss her, even now when i was typing, images of her were running through my head, i actually miss her, i think i like her a lot more that i thought i did. i did try hard to change to her fra-jfk, but when i eventually did, she changed away and my surprise went up in smokes. She asked me not to do such surprise again next time, it did sound like a no. when i was like take it easy, she msged, wanna go sightsee for a change in nyc, wanna go empire state building. that lifted me up, it was a booster that i need. i dunno maybe im reading too much, its just having ferns on flight and making plans together. its a matter of perspective actually, honestly but maybe i chose to read into it. weather was bad and she found out she has a friend on the flight and she cancelled sightseeing, major boo boo… i just wanted to see her, i missed her, i just asked if she wanna have a meal together at least, she said breaky in nyc, i thot its gonna be us time, but she called her set of crew along, i became the extra. mixed signals? or maybe she is really just seeing me as a friend.

i hoped to meet her for meal, but she wanted to tapao and rest for the flight. thats another door slammed in the face… i'm confused now… i dunno what is suppose to happen. i asked wai cheng, she said girls don't simply anyhow hug guys. on her personal note, she told me, maybe she is trying to make me fall for her, its just her ways of doing things. maybe she is interested but not that interested, but at the very least she doesn't seem to dislike me. she did reply me when i msged her most of the time. she did give me a hug, she did try to change to my flight, she did try to find time for movie and she did try to have a meal with me. but she asked friends along for the meal, she did close the door on me for meal earlier, she didn't sound all that excited when talking to me, it seems to me that the roles has been reversed. from she being the initiator to become me as the initiator. me asking her out most of the time now. wai cheng said i am so obvious that i like her. but she said that i don't have a choice either if i wanna go after her. i'm now at the stage where should i go for it or back off slowly. too much is detrimental, but im scared that i will block her out like how i block other girls out too. or im back to psyching myself that she treats her friends like how she is treating me, i'm the rule, not the exception., i tried to pull myself back to reality. maybe im reading all the signs wrong, but her signs seems mixed. it does seem illogical for her to hug me right? if she is not interested, maybe she wouldnt even try to meet up or let alone reply sms. then again, she could be just polite.

Girl, you are killing me…. killing me softly and surely…