Baby... everything is happening in front of me

baby...
i met you in penang, queued behind you when we were queuing at the dessert store, buying iced soursop... i remember every single moment that i spent with you, the songs that we sang together and those i sang to you...

from the first day i met you in school, something told me that there is something about you.. its the vibes that i get... i have seen you around but no means of getting to know you... if you are reading this, i wanna assure you that all of these are true and i didnt tell you these before because i didnt want you to get too egoistic... you are my baby, my dear, my darling... my all... i was totally elated when i finally got to know your personally when we met in the canteen, through viv... though, it was a short conversation, it was a beginning because anything can happen from then onwards. it was a long wait, since last year, i regret not knowin you earlier. but i was happy last sem when we were taking film and history together... cos at times, u would be sitting just 1 row above me... othertimes, i would just try to spot you from afar... it wasnt difficult, cos the spotlight is always on you, it is you and you alone..

sometimes, i really wonder if i should finally give in and tell you that i like you, from the beginning, cos i told you before that i would never let you know even if i like you... because at that point of time when i said that sentence, i was beaten already... i had to keep my sanity and remind myself of who you are and who i am... you always said feelings are transcient, but what if these feelings hold their own... stood their ground... u said promises keep people in check... but what if the situation has already changed and the person has already changed... promises are made at that point in time, i didnt mean that promises dun mean a thing or can be broken... but a lot of things changes with time, its takes 2 hands to clap... i'm merely a hand, looking for you - my the other hand... who was lost in the jungle and entangled by vines... i know how you feel towards me, i know the pain as well... i myself is experiencing them... my own pain and i feel your pain too... i am embroiled in a struggle.. the struggle between not seeing u upset and letting go... I told you before, i thought i understood love and what letting go is all about, as long as the person i love is happy... but u came along and changes the whole definition of it... you came into my life and brought colours along with you... and now without you, my vision is merely black, white and grey... you brought me to the highest realms of the heaven and dumped me in the deepest cauldrons of fire and hell... but i never regretted telling you that i love you, its a journey that we walk through together... where i shared your problems together and all the funny things together....

we got our grass in the head joke, our little adventure in stealing the car when your mum's asleep. Our nonsensical ping pong game, the outings. the mahjong sessions. the movie, the chats that we had, small talks which i made to you... the songs we sang... the finger-guessing game and the chi-ko-paks... they keep running through my mind, baby... everytime when i think of you
.. i will listen to the songs that we sang together, its like trying to screw a screwdriver into my heart, it just hurts so much so much when you are not around... i feel your pain baby, i really do... den when i feel mine, it hurts me even more... maybe to you, i will never understand, but i hate to tell you that i really do and even more so when i tried to put myself in your position... i wished i had an answer to this but sadly, i don't. I don't have a solution which can accomodate to your promise to him and making you feel less hurt and yet which allows me to be with you... if only one day you will understand, because you are worth it... maybe one day, you will 相通了and i will 想开了 or maybe you will 想开了 and i will 相通了...

whatever it is, i never regretted letting you know my feelings, though i lost the bet but feelings are undeniable... we started on our story, i am waiting for the day where u will come back and continue writing the story together... cos i cannot write alone... you are who you are to me, nothing will change that and i dun need you to please me or whatsoever, cos you mean the world to me... and i said that he is smart, because it takes a guy to know what a guy is thinking...

you took my heart away,
when my whole world was grey,
you gave me everything and a little bit more.
and when its cold at night and you sleep by my side...
you become the meaning of my life...
you become the meaning...
you become the meaning of my life...

embroiled in turmoil...

in no less pain than you are...

total disaster

this week been terrible...
everything seemed to be in a whirlwind... and disaster struck yesterday when there was miscomm between me and my project mate.. she was expecting me to help her find and categorise her info?? and re-edit the essay because she copied directly from the sources... and a whole load of other things like me having to do the social theory part myself... i could almost kill her for that especially when my laptop is getting cranky and all and i cant do my work in the process...

its time to format my laptop... seriously... luckily a God-sent angel lend me a laptop to tide me over for these 2 days at least... appreciated deeeeeeep down... really... i shall blog again later... no time..

When you became the meaning of my life...

You became the meaning of my life...
you became the meaning...
you became the meaning of.... my life...

Dunno what to say now... dunno where to start... dunno what you're thinking.. in this complicated heart...
so many things happened...
dun use my words on me...
dun use a sportsman's will power on me... cos its different
songs we sang... times we had...
i thot i was able to let go when time comes for it, cos i learnt from the 5-year r/s... u have broken the myth and changed my world...
internal turmoil now... what am i and who am i?
i'm lost....

when a private spot gets intruded by outsiders...

Tow Huay Break

Little Red Integra bought me Tow Huay from Rocher Road...
Appreciated, Jan.. thanks a million...

oh... that was in the middle of the night on Saturday...
i ought to be more appreciative man...

Heart vs Head

follow the heart or follow the head?
they say love is a funny thing.. that drives pple crazy and it defies logic... for me now, things are getting complicated... i think we are liking each other... enjoying each other's company... but she cant let go of him too... i'm like a third party who shouldnt be ard... but yet i wanna fight for my own love and happiness... i'm contradictory? i think so... i used to loathe third party and never believe in becoming one... but recently, i thot i know how third parties feel... for some, i think they are just being asses... but for some its really hapless... after realising that, i became one myself... a hapless one that is...

everynight, we would brooch the same topic... she doesnt wanna see me hurt and all... i think she loves me enuff for that not to happen.. but its ironic.. i choose this path too... to love her and care for her... but yet i feel sad when i see her with her bf.. maybe my preparations are not strong enuff... or maybe my love has exceeded that... Viv gave me 2 choices, to give up or to wait... its head vs heart... at the moment.. i chose heart... to be fair to her, she is trying to uphold her promise that she made to him, that is to not be the one who first raise the issue of breaking up... and she still has some feelings for him.. inevitably.. he is making some efforts to salvage the situation.. she is appreciative... i dunno where to be... in agony...

i think i am getting a new digicam... olympus.. from Jan, jan is leaving soon... 590 bucks.. its cool and nice... slim and light and has many features too... tmr is my marquis recognition ceremony, promotion to be a shareholder... anyone would gladly exchange their position with me... but i'm a unhappy marquis bogged down by affairs of the heart... i just suck at these things... i better start on my swimming coaching soon too... time to earn more money... but i rather have my dear...

at this moment of time, i wish i am riding a horse to the top of a mountain in NZ, where the field is lush and the sun is shining with the breeze blowing.. or standing at the top of a commercial building in Japan or Korea or Europe at night with all the lights around me... and the strong wind blowing... carrying away my troubles... things are not in my hand now... i can only wait and see...

PS.. if anyone is reading... nominate me for sportsman of the year please... i feel unappreciated for what i have given... maybe its because i feel down... that i crave for recognitions.. i'm a sucker.. tts what i am...

That little Red INTEGRA

thursday, free day... but its more like time to catch up with research for my projects and more projects... but today, its to the HECK of it, i had a lunch date with my catcher, janice.. she is leaving for france next week... supposedly 18th Mar to learn french crusine for 3 months. the goal? open her own restaurant when she comes back.. how cool is that.. she got everything planned out, like her partner and roughly she wants it to be... she was asking me for ideas... i would get back to her on that... image... having your own restaurant.. wow... i would love to have that... too bad i dun have the capital.. otherwise, i wouldnt have mind chipping in.. seriously... wanna guess how much is that? 200k... ahem...

saw caiyun in Holland V, Thai Express where we had our lunch.. so surprising.. Jan knows her as well, says that she is the gf of her friend... hmm.. so not surprising... anyway, jan recommended soft shell crab... wow... i din know they cook it so well at thai express... its a new fave for now.. haha.. thursday afternoon, after lunch hours isnt exactly the most fun thing cos there is nothing to do and nowhere to go... den we decided to pop by Settlers to check out their restaurant concept... but we ended up playing games there... 2 person isnt really that fun to play board games with... so in the end, we zoomed to Town for a movie... there was actually nothing to watch, since she watched almost everything already, so we grabbed the tickets for Pink Panther since its the closest timing that we have got... 340pm, while it reads 350pm on our watches... nonetheless, we are in town already... jus go with it... its was lame but pretty entertaining still so it wasnt too bad...

joke of the day? she is disengaged... hehehz... (suppose only she and i will catch the joke) and she asked why people are afraid to ask her about her bf... oh well... i dunno...

anyway, its good fun zooming ard half the singapore in a little red inttegra... but now back to projects... sigh... think i will miss having my catcher ard... there is no internet and no phone lines when she is there... my gawd...

talking again...

such a mixed day yesterday, she surprised me by coming over to visit yesterday noon, den left for class... den suddenly, she decided to skip yoga class cos she wanna play mahjong... din work out cos we got vices night and all the tables been borrowed... in the evening she suddenly told me that we shud not see each other again and not to sms her even... leaving me dumbstruck and bewildered.

i spent the rest of the night talking to her, trying to convince her that its not the solution... till 3 plus am... when i was suppose to be doing my essay... finally when it all ended... she relented too... we were talking again... luckily my neighbours were there to help me out, listen and offer advices.. otherwise, i might just have let go cos if she feels better that way... thanks feng, pat, tian and viv..

the only one who suffered has to be my homework and essays... not that i mind but its really time to catch up now... the night feels funny without kristian ard too... he has shifted over to rach's room.. his room is now vacanted... awaiting its new owner... sighh...

Web of Love

I think it has come to a point where it just doesnt feel right if we dun talk to each other for a day? most of the time, we will be talking on msn or smsing each other, doesnt matter who started it actually, both parties were quite equal on this.

the past few days's been a lot of talking, between her and her bf and me and her... her bf is already suspecting something, according to her, a friend of his was reading his astrological signs tells him that she has better impression of someone else other than him... he got worried and wanted to chase her back... i was bewildered.. seriously stars tell so much? but she tried to cover up by saying its another guy when the top suspicion fell on me... i guess she wanted to keep this thing going. she also admited she likes my company more than his... and she cant find her feelings for him anymore, though she knows she still has it...

not like i am pushing her to leave him, i never. i am just happy to be ard... we are having fun and enjoying each other's company... she knows it and i know it too... but she is always in such a total state of denial that she keeps humping on the fact that she has a bf... think its serving its purpose of reminding herself of who she was... think she is caught in a struggle... me and him, who to choose. at the moment its him, she cant bear to leave him and hurt him but yet enjoys my company more... this reminds me of the saying "sleeping in the east and eating in the west" She is just "zui ying xing luan", i know, but its just been a dilemma for me as well, cos i really feel like a third party here, something which i hate to happen on myself, but yet i am doing it... i'm questioning myself, which set of belief should i adopt? fight for your love or if she is happy den i am happy... the worse thing is she is showing signs... so should i stay with her and wait? or should i fade away in the background...? i really dunno what to do...

isnt love suppose to be simple? i realise that i have been getting myself into a lot of this kind of shit recently... maybe i am a failure at love... really... it just sucks lah, the whole feeling... She said she is still finding out about me... she doesn know if i can support her in the future or what and she likes man who knows what they want and they are focus.. well, i had so wanted to tell her what i planned but i suppose it would appear absurd, so i keep it to myself... no point, for it would appear to be like an attempt to get into her good books... but being fun to be with doesn't mean that i dun think deeper than that... in fact i thought even earlier and has already done something about it... I wish there could be an answer to this now... she is confused as i am, i'm sure... I hate love when this kind of things happen...

i will post again tonight... its kristian's last night on B4... nostalgia again...