Adelaide Birthday

Celebrated my birthday in ADelaide... alone...
didnt tell anyone about it, prefer to let it pass just like that, but i went to Glenelg beach. very nice place... beautiful with nice beach area and very inviting waters... too bad i wasnt geared up, otherwise i wun mind a dip in the sea. had a cold beer, a rum and raisin icecream and Nandos for dinner.. thats all for my birthday...

Surprisingly, i got a few sms wishes from my friends... pleasant surprise cos i have never really celebrated my birthday over the years, but they still remember.. pleasantly touched. when i came back, i was shocked to see my facebook flooded with birthday wishes, i know the advantageous of technology, but your friends actually bothered to even leave u a msg, thats pretty sweet enough for me...

not forgetting that i went to Candice's housewarming cum engagement party at night... her condo is seriously very beautiful and i fell in love with it immediately... if only i am rich enough to afford one on my own... but joanna, huazai, junzhi and candice celebrated my birthday with me with my birthday cake after the whole thing end... so sweet of them... my jc classmates... i am glad i am in touch with them and we are pretty close...

Milano Malpenza Jan09 - a heartbreaker

this was suppose to be a some sort of "honeymoon trip" for us... we were grateful that things has been kind to us that i managed to come to this flight to be with her. things turn for worse before the flight...

the original itinerary was to tour ard milan and pop over to romantic venice... but this was spoilt by few other colleagues who wanted to follow... leaving me no private time with her... that was still ok until someone keep hogging her for photos... which left me really angry indeed... given the turn of events before this trip... this trip has become extremely crucial in salvaging our r/s. but with all these happening, it only spelled the end for us...

everynight, when we talked on msn, we were always talking about us... things that we couldnt say to each other when we are together cos there are too many people around. it was such a torture, cos i come back facing heartache every night. to make things worse, she cannot talk to me face to face over these issues, i absolutely hate msn in this sense cos it sets us drifting apart...

she told me she is contemplating going back to him cos he has done a lot for her and she feels that she owes him a lot... this was exactly what i feared most... the past memories playing a part in her decision, memories is something which i dun have with her... its a luxury that i dun get to enjoy... time factor not on my side... i know i am fighting a losing battle in this sense yet i am hapless to do anything about it... it sucks to be me... all the haplessness and hurt in me... she say she cannot get over the fact that i am 1 year younger than her... she says he gives up a lot for her and changes a lot for her, he knows how to cheer her up when she is down, is very knowledgeable and has many contacts around him but all these are established over time when she knows him better, there wasnt any chance of me showing it... its totally unfair, knowing her it wun sink into her.. how does she knows that i am not willing to give up things for her, i dun have contacts and i am not knowledgeable?? we hardly have time together... which is severely handicapped and unfair for me... she is too blinded to see things from another perspective, that he divorced a woman to wanna be with her... maybe he was even seeing her behind his wife's back, that i didnt know... if he can do it once, its possible that he do it again.. but i dun wish to see her get hurt, and of course i couldnt bring myself to tell her this... love is blind afterall... im fighting a war in me...

as much as i want her to be happy, objectively i cant help it but feel that she is going back to him cos of guilt... i hate to admit it but i have grown attached to her... for who she is, independent, driven, focused and all.. on a selfish note, a really selfish note, i wish she can come back to me... i really wish so...

this honeymoon has become a heartbreak trip for me... a painful place to come... i hope the next milan will be a happier trip, maybe i will visit Pisa, chinque terra, verona or even sicilly...

right now, i have to try to come to terms with this... somehow...

Time alone...

feeling vexed all day...
cos i know he is stalking her... and i am worried.. worried that she might give in.. cos afterall they had a past... there was something that they once shared... lotsa memories and times together... something that i dun have.. something which i wish i can do something about..

i wish i know what she is thinking... and she talked to him the whole nite on the phone... something which i haven been able to do... cos she says she cannot express herself talking... sorely jealous i suppose...

desperately looking to go out, almost going bonkers... until Claris ask me if i wanna meet for coffee cos she got time before her salsa class... she still look the same as half a year ago.. still pretty and sweet.. still my pretty neighbour.. we had dinner at waraku at novena... den singly, i made my way to yishun to watch red cliff alone... awesome movie... i quite enjoy the loneliness... maybe i am turning into a hermit... maybe thats my way of protecting myself... maybe i need more time alone to think of what i really want...

i have been distracted so much that i haven done anything which i am suppose to do...
lemme wallow in this for a while... just leave me be...

Winter Amsterdam

AMsterdam in winter is really freezing cold.. not helped when the temperature is -8 degrees plus Amsterdam is a river city, Venice of the north... so the winter wind is really freezing...

i guess together with the cold, it took away any enthusiasm for any sightseeing... the original plans of visiting Antwerp is put on hold till the weather is nearer... din even visit any museum or Anne Frank's house. managed to meet up with Lewis to have steak and some catching up... the next day was just shopping along the streets, din get to eat the famous pork ribs too... cos it opened at some weird hours from 8pm to 4am... managed to get some christmasy street food on Lewis' recommendations - pofferties, waffles and dutch donuts... its really yummy...

there is even an ice skating rink out in the open in the middle of the streets... din try that thou....

i wanna be back during the tulip season... which is april? or may?
looking forward to that...

Milan tmr...

moody..

i dunno why i suddenly feel this way...
things are not going on well between me and her... things used to be going on well... the lovely time we share... the funny moments... the sweet smses... all these seemed to be a thing of the past...

i still remember the first date we had at sakae sushi at causeway point... shopping trip in town... the relentless smses when we are overseas, the cant get enough of each other and constant sms no matter where we are... eating at bishan coffeeshop, reliving your secondary school days.. our first movie watching madagascar II... roleplaying characters in journey to the west... going to wedding dinner together.. the suppers we had... hanging out at east coast and sipping white coffee... sweet moments spent in the car when i pick her up and send her to work...

i know i am suppose to be strong to tide thru all these... especially when you have so much to face... but i am hurt too... i have my weak moments at times... i miss u dear... i miss what we were...

every relationship....

Every single relationship don't happen by chance, it takes a lot of factors and commitment to nurture it...

funny how television programmes can sometimes read the mind of people, or is it that when we are affected by certain issues, we tend to be able to pick out dialogues which especially seemed to be written for us... extra sensitive i guess...

i met someone, been dating recently... spent lotsa time together, until she was away for a while.. i could sense a difference in the mood.. i kept to myself cos she has lotsa heavy burden from work already... i didnt wanna make an issue out of nothing. but i guess my fears are not unfounded. she was troubled by something, something which was very unexpected, she needed time to resolve it before coming back to us again. I am still finding out about her, i wasnt head over heels over her... but i like her enough to wanna protect from any kind of harm. i still feel hurt, still feel lost, still misses her when i dun see her. she knows how i feel towards her, she initially likes me a lot too, but time apart made her unsure of her feelings towards me. she felt something for me, but she isnt sure what izzit. last nite, she told me, our feelings are very shortlived, what we had wasnt giving her enough courage to overcome whatever she had... she said she couldnt accept someone who can be friends with anyone... there are differences to our characters...

Unwittingly, i didnt realise that i had given her so much insecurities, she is special.. i think i found someone whom i can really feel that i can spend my life with and one whom i can really like for the rest of my life. at this rate, everything seems to be dying a premature death... i wish i know what to do, to allay her fears and resolve the differences... i need some divine help.. i am at a lost.. i think i cannot afford to lose her...